Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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