Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
