So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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