I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
