Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
