i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My bed smells like the plague
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
