Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I stole a fireplace last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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