Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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