Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
