what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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