I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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