You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
