Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
