I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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