She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
