Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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