I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize