you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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