Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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