The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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