you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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