You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
