Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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