Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
