I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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