bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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