This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
