It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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