at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
