you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
