something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
