I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
