Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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