Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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