Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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