I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
