my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
