Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
