My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
