I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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