i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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