Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's the barista slut.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
