dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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