God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We just shotgunned beers for America
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
