just tell him i said nine months
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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