What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
