ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
