Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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