i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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