Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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