Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
