a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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