I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
