a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
