Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So squirting runs in the family.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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