Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
