I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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