Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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