Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
