I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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