The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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