I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
