pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
