oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
