Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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