seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
