Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
