captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
